A Proposition For Me...

{photo love}

Dear Moms and Grandma,

Please stop reading right now.  For serious.  Stop.

Despicable Cohorts and Dirty Pirates,

Proceed as usual.

I came home from school today to find the most amazing email I've probably ever seen in my entire life sitting in my inbox.  It was a sales pitch.  I spent a brief snippet of time in the sales world, so I was not unfamiliar with the game.  And this time, the game was good.  I was asked to please do a trail run of a particular company's new vibrator and then write a review for it on the blog.  THIS blog.  Which is typically concerned with Chihuahuas and exams, and only recently mentioned anything sexually devious in nature.  

Well, it turns out that while I am a lot of things, I am apparently not a woman who will openly trial vibrators and then chat about it with the internet.  Who knew?!  We learn new things about ourselves every day.  I also learned (okay, maybe I've known this all along) that I was absolutely powerless against the dark half of myself that insisted upon emailing this sales manager back just to fuck with him.

Enjoy.  And you're welcome.

xxx,

Sabrina

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From: 

Subject: Review a product on your blog

Date: May 14, 2012 12:52:53 PM GMT+01:00

To: undisclosed-recipients:;

Bcc: Sabrina Estabrook-Russett <sabrina.estabrook.russett@gmail.com>

Hi there - I'm emailing you to find out if you'd be interested in reviewing one of our new silicone female toys from [Anonymous Sex Toy Shop] on your blog. My idea is this: I can send you a free Cici or comparable toy (you can Google it), and in exchange, you'd just write a review giving your honest thoughts about the toy, and of course somewhere in the article, link to our website or Amazon listings of the toys.

If this project goes smoothly, there are probably other ways we could work together as well. My goal is to let people know about our new brand while providing you with the opportunity to write interesting content for your site. Also, I could give you a personalized discount code to leave in the review (if you like the toy), so that your readers could enjoy the same toy and also save money.

So, just email me back and we can get started. I'm happy to answer any questions you have.

Thanks!

Subject: Re: Review a product on your blog

From: Sabrina Estabrook-Russett <sabrina.estabrook.russett@gmail.com>

Date: May 14, 2012 1:50:31 PM GMT+01:00

To: 

Good Morning Sir, 

I wanted to send you a quick email to thank you for considering me for your vibrational promotions.  I suspect you found my site after stumbling upon my most recent post which was masturbatory in nature.  That's fair.  But in the interest of transactional clarity, I'd like to inquire about a few specifics...

I've read a little bit about bloggers being asked to review products online, so I'm vaguely familiar with the general concept.  I haven't heard so much about bloggers reviewing vibrators (which obviously means I need to update my Google Reader), so I wonder: does accepting this offer place me in the same realm as sex workers?  Because although I consider myself morally casual, I am surprisingly hesitant to barter orgasms for my writing.  Because, let's face it, I'm incredibly articulate and witty and I don't know that I can ascribe those superlatives to a vibrator- even if it is silicone.  And waterproof.   

What I'm most concerned about though, is the possibility of finding your vibrator sub-par.  Then I've agreed to write an article and my heart just isn't in it.  What if the orgasm just isn't that good?  I suspect that this may be an unfamiliar concept to you, Sir, but the female orgasm is complex and often elusive, and what if I'm left aching for eye contact during the nefarious vibrator trials?  I'd hate to have to write a review for you that was anything less than phenomenal, because that would be awkward for everyone.  

Additionally, you specificially mentioned the Cici, but I think I'm more of a Lelo Iris or Gigi kind of girl, y'know?  Because women need to start having higher standards for themselves, and that includes investing in a rock solid vibrator.  Which was totally not meant to be a pun, but I'm happy to go down that road with you, if you so desire.  The road of puns, that is.  Which is a metaphorical road.  Not an actual road in which we sample actual vibrators.   

On a different note, I'd just like to say that I really believe in the work you folks over at [Anonymous Sex Toy Shop] are doing, Sir.  When I was studying anthropology I gave a presentation on the history behind the female orgasm.  There was a time when a woman would have to go visit her family doctor with concerns of hysteria or depression, for which the treatment was manual orgasm administered by the physician.  So not only are you helping to keep medical costs down in this outrageous economy, you are also probably keeping Rick Santorum and his transvaginal ultrasounds out of uteri everywhere, given that women can more effectively masturbate with your products rather than having all that sinful pre-marital sex that may leave them tragically knocked-up.  Actually, you should probably send your review pitch to the GOP wives because I bet they could direct way more traffic to your site through 'abstinence lectures' than I ever could.  I bet Bristol Palin would jump all over this.  Again, totally not a pun.

At any rate, my university presentation was a hit until I insinuated that even grandmas use vibrators these days, then I kind of lost the crowd.  But I still stand by the conviction that women everywhere should own them.  Because otherwise all you're left with is a massaging showerhead that you discovered at fifteen, hypothetically speaking, which probably requires considerably more dexterity and contortion than the Rabbit does.  I mean, from what I hear.  

Love, 

Sabrina 

*****UPDATE*****:  Vibrator Sir wrote back!  And it's about as amazing as I'd secretly hoped it would be; there's even a feminist rant in the middle!  But there are also emoticons, which I totally fucking hate.  So...  

From: 

Subject: Re: Review a product on your blog

Date: May 16, 2012 7:31:17 PM GMT+01:00

To: Sabrina Estabrook-Russett <sabrina.estabrook.russett@gmail.com>

Sabrina - thanks for writing the most thoughtful ever in response to one of our emails asking for a toy review. 

1. Actually, for the sake of honesty, I didn't find your site. We have a guy who went through all of the blogher sexuality blogs, one by one, and contacted them by sending an email I wrote. I do though, handle all of the responses, as this is my company. = )

2. By sex worker, I guess you sort of mean prostitute, right? I wouldn't consider you a virtual prostitute for reviewing one of our toys. But in theory, you would be paid, if you consider receipt of goods as payment, and you would hopefully have an orgasm, which is certainly sexual in nature. So are we paying you to orgasm? I suppose in a way yes. Does it make you a hooker, probably not. I think prostitutes get paid to have actual penises entered into them, whereas you would have a silicone rechargeable waterproof machine entering you. 

3. I'm so confident that you won't find the vibrator sub-par, that I invite you to publish a sub-par review if that's what you think of it. 

4.  We sell Lelo on our site but here's the deal: Women do not have to spend $100 on a Lelo to get a quality vibrator. This is the concept behind [Anonymous Sex Toy Shop]. Same quality as Lelo but without the luxury price tag. We think that pleasure is for every woman - not only those who can afford a Lelo. Also, personally, I don't like the images Lelo uses in its advertising - slim, heavily photoshopped women with lipstick on. I've sent out more than 50 free sets of toys to women who have done video reviews of them (we're in the process of putting them all online). I know what real women look like, and I don't think they should have to conform themselves to the Lelo concept of beauty or luxury. 

5. Sadly, Rick Santorum graduated from my law school in Pennsyvania. = ((

6. You are right about the rest of that paragraph. Actually we've introduced a program to give the vibrators away free in several high schools. Just kidding. 

7. If you want one, shoot me back a mailing address. = )

-Sir

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P.s. Obviously, I changed names of people and companies for anonymity. 

P.p.s. I wish I could somehow tell my adolescent self that our life is going to rock so hard. 

P.p.p.s. I guess this guy DID give me interesting content to write about for the blog; which means that I swiped it without trying out his vibrators, which- I think- makes me Robin Hood.